Last year I made a resolution to practice being more honest. Being more honest about my feelings, voicing what I think, not letting people walk all over me. Basically just standing up for myself, and a little less of taking crap from people.
I have to say, I think I did a pretty great job at maintaining my resolution. I quit a job to chase a dream, deleted people off Facebook who made me feel inferior on a daily basis. Choosing to fall for someone who loves me in a way that I deserve, and deserves the same love and respect back.
This year I think that I am going to try for three resolutions, as well as sticking to last years as well.
-Be a good mom.
-Focus on the positive.
-Be the passenger.
We'll see how it goes.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
miss lonely...
soo my babe started his new job in lewiston. it's a really great thing, he is so excited to be back there...but the bummer of it all is that i am still here. in cowtown usa. i love the time i have with my parents and just kind of relaxing...but let me tell you...i miss him so damn much. it's only going to be night number 2, but i just have that empty void that isn't filled. no matter how many oreos i dunk or episodes of degrassi i watch :(
eventually i'll be going over there...but mama needs a house for her and baby and parkers. it's the waiting process that kills. i love coming home to his smile and hearing his voice say HEY BABE! when i walk in the door. i don't have a reason to rush home from work now, or just a severe motivation to go to our apartment. i don't want to sleep alone. thank goodness for parker. he's such a good cuddle bug.
what's funny is that before i met andrew, i had terrible terrible nightmares for what was an on-going month and a half. whenever i fall asleep next to him though, i don't dream. i rarely will have a dream, but it's never a bad one. the first night i spent away from him...nightmare.
i just remember how andrew was like my saving grace. he showed me a happiness within myself that i knew deep down existed...but i could never bring out. it was like the real me, and this sweet boy made me see it. do you know how great it feels to be able to say wow. this entire month i haven't stopped smiling. it feels pretty great. drew gave me that feeling. he still gives me that feeling. there's something about him that is so different than anything i've known before...he's just so perfect for me.
anyways. i miss him like crazy.
eventually i'll be going over there...but mama needs a house for her and baby and parkers. it's the waiting process that kills. i love coming home to his smile and hearing his voice say HEY BABE! when i walk in the door. i don't have a reason to rush home from work now, or just a severe motivation to go to our apartment. i don't want to sleep alone. thank goodness for parker. he's such a good cuddle bug.
what's funny is that before i met andrew, i had terrible terrible nightmares for what was an on-going month and a half. whenever i fall asleep next to him though, i don't dream. i rarely will have a dream, but it's never a bad one. the first night i spent away from him...nightmare.
i just remember how andrew was like my saving grace. he showed me a happiness within myself that i knew deep down existed...but i could never bring out. it was like the real me, and this sweet boy made me see it. do you know how great it feels to be able to say wow. this entire month i haven't stopped smiling. it feels pretty great. drew gave me that feeling. he still gives me that feeling. there's something about him that is so different than anything i've known before...he's just so perfect for me.
anyways. i miss him like crazy.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Get OVAH yourself...
I haven't written a post in a long time. I've been busy making a life and getting caught up in day to day things, that just soak up time. It feels like there is never enough time.
Something that I have been struggling with lately are exaggerations. I mean, don't get me wrong...all good stories are exaggerated to some extent (just adds to the suspense and gives dramatical effect haha) but if you are exaggerating to the point where your story has become completely false and it's just some bullshit you made up so you have something to talk about....well you're in the wrong.
I don't like to feel like I can't share news or my ideas with someone (who might I add, is 'supposed' to be an important grown up in Andrew's and my life) but instead feel like I just have to sit pretty and smile and can't say anything because I know it will be blown out of proportion and immensly false.
I mean it NEVER fails. Or THEY never fail to elaborate. One night impraticular, I only said about 3 sentences the entire night. Granted half of the time was spent chewing my dinner, the other half I remained silent because I had quickly learned not to share anything with this person, unless I wanted it turned 180 degrees in the other direction. It's so frustrating. Anyways, out of those 3 sentences that I shared (this I am not exaggerating or under exaggerating on haha), one of them was flipped around and later questioned in a negative matter. It's like WTF GIVES? I chose my words carefully, I said them politely, and I made sure that to most normal people....it would have made perfect sense.
But for those special few who like to make everything about them and take shit out of context....fuck off. I'm not here to play games or to baby you. If you are going to act in a way which puts me or my family in a negative light or anything then the black and white things I have said, then don't expect me to share things with you, or for that matter spend that much time with you.
You are a grown person....so start acting like it.
Here are a couple things that are so black and white it's not even funny.
If you can't understand this, then honestly there is just no hope for you to ever understand.
1. MOST IMPORTANTLY: I LOVE MY BABY. I have NEVER thought about not having my baby.
If you ever say ANYTHING along those lines again, I will take away your visiting privledges.
2. I love Andrew with all of my heart, and would do anything to make him happy.
3. Andrew and I WILL get married someday.
We have chosen NOT to have some rushed marriage because we are having a baby. I would rather tell my child I married your Dad out of pure love for one another, not because we felt it was the "right" thing to do. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.
4. I am pregnant. I get sick. I am not like anyone you know. So until you get to fucking know me, don't act like you already do, and quit comparing me.
5. SORRY I'M NOT A SKINNY DARK BIMBO WHO LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY.
GET OVER IT.
Something that I have been struggling with lately are exaggerations. I mean, don't get me wrong...all good stories are exaggerated to some extent (just adds to the suspense and gives dramatical effect haha) but if you are exaggerating to the point where your story has become completely false and it's just some bullshit you made up so you have something to talk about....well you're in the wrong.
I don't like to feel like I can't share news or my ideas with someone (who might I add, is 'supposed' to be an important grown up in Andrew's and my life) but instead feel like I just have to sit pretty and smile and can't say anything because I know it will be blown out of proportion and immensly false.
I mean it NEVER fails. Or THEY never fail to elaborate. One night impraticular, I only said about 3 sentences the entire night. Granted half of the time was spent chewing my dinner, the other half I remained silent because I had quickly learned not to share anything with this person, unless I wanted it turned 180 degrees in the other direction. It's so frustrating. Anyways, out of those 3 sentences that I shared (this I am not exaggerating or under exaggerating on haha), one of them was flipped around and later questioned in a negative matter. It's like WTF GIVES? I chose my words carefully, I said them politely, and I made sure that to most normal people....it would have made perfect sense.
But for those special few who like to make everything about them and take shit out of context....fuck off. I'm not here to play games or to baby you. If you are going to act in a way which puts me or my family in a negative light or anything then the black and white things I have said, then don't expect me to share things with you, or for that matter spend that much time with you.
You are a grown person....so start acting like it.
Here are a couple things that are so black and white it's not even funny.
If you can't understand this, then honestly there is just no hope for you to ever understand.
1. MOST IMPORTANTLY: I LOVE MY BABY. I have NEVER thought about not having my baby.
If you ever say ANYTHING along those lines again, I will take away your visiting privledges.
2. I love Andrew with all of my heart, and would do anything to make him happy.
3. Andrew and I WILL get married someday.
We have chosen NOT to have some rushed marriage because we are having a baby. I would rather tell my child I married your Dad out of pure love for one another, not because we felt it was the "right" thing to do. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.
4. I am pregnant. I get sick. I am not like anyone you know. So until you get to fucking know me, don't act like you already do, and quit comparing me.
5. SORRY I'M NOT A SKINNY DARK BIMBO WHO LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY.
GET OVER IT.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
am i there yet?
breakups are tough. especially when you've been with that person for a long time. it stings at first, and you go through all of the steps of being sad and mad and just everything else. i haven't really had many different breakups, but i used to have a lot with one person.
the most important break up i had was this past january. if you read my earlier blogs, you would know why. it was a really big and important decision to make. see not only was i not happy with this person anymore, or in love with that person, but they also did something terrible to me. they abused me. physically and mentally. it took a lot (sort of) for me to fully commit to getting him out of my life.
that happened four months ago. i was traumatized. i was beaten down to a point that i did not know my own self worth. is it really terrible that now that i have a new wonderful boyfriend, that from time to time i am reminded of my six year past with that person? i'm one of those awful people that shares every connection and how i know this person story. sometimes i just can't help it. i've been trying to change that though.
i should be more aware of other people's feelings by what i stories i tell them. i mean, what new boyfriend wants to hear that they made a face that looked like the one my ex boyfriend made when he was abusing me. i mean...i am a little traumatized by it, but i don't need to say it out loud. i guess...i'm not really sure. i don't mean in any way, shape, or form to intentially hurt anyone when i say things like that. it's just i can't help it. it happened to me. it is part of my past, and i'm trying really hard to keep it out of my future.
don't by any means think that i sit here pining over my ex. because i don't. i've gotten to a point that i can do most things, which used to remind me of him, and not think about it or at least just have the thought then get over it really quickly and enjoy what i'm doing. it's not something i like, or enjoy, but it's part of the healing process and just how my mind is. i can only change it to an extent.
am i healing fast enough? is all that i do wrong? i mean i don't miss him. i'm so happy where i am. can't others see that? or am i just not doing enough to demonstrate that? i guess there are actions i can change to...well be better. it's an annoying process, but i am really really trying. the biggest thing anyone can do is just be understanding, and if you love me, support me and be patient. Because love is patient, love is kind.
the most important break up i had was this past january. if you read my earlier blogs, you would know why. it was a really big and important decision to make. see not only was i not happy with this person anymore, or in love with that person, but they also did something terrible to me. they abused me. physically and mentally. it took a lot (sort of) for me to fully commit to getting him out of my life.
that happened four months ago. i was traumatized. i was beaten down to a point that i did not know my own self worth. is it really terrible that now that i have a new wonderful boyfriend, that from time to time i am reminded of my six year past with that person? i'm one of those awful people that shares every connection and how i know this person story. sometimes i just can't help it. i've been trying to change that though.
i should be more aware of other people's feelings by what i stories i tell them. i mean, what new boyfriend wants to hear that they made a face that looked like the one my ex boyfriend made when he was abusing me. i mean...i am a little traumatized by it, but i don't need to say it out loud. i guess...i'm not really sure. i don't mean in any way, shape, or form to intentially hurt anyone when i say things like that. it's just i can't help it. it happened to me. it is part of my past, and i'm trying really hard to keep it out of my future.
don't by any means think that i sit here pining over my ex. because i don't. i've gotten to a point that i can do most things, which used to remind me of him, and not think about it or at least just have the thought then get over it really quickly and enjoy what i'm doing. it's not something i like, or enjoy, but it's part of the healing process and just how my mind is. i can only change it to an extent.
am i healing fast enough? is all that i do wrong? i mean i don't miss him. i'm so happy where i am. can't others see that? or am i just not doing enough to demonstrate that? i guess there are actions i can change to...well be better. it's an annoying process, but i am really really trying. the biggest thing anyone can do is just be understanding, and if you love me, support me and be patient. Because love is patient, love is kind.
Friday, March 30, 2012
say what you mean.
words are important. you can write them in print or cursive, color them any way you choose, dress them up in fancy ways, or just leave it plain and simple. it's easiest to understand them in black and white, but doesn't always convey the best message. words are free and simple, and sometimes are the most thoughtful thing that you can give.
there are so many words that we long to hear. i love you, im proud of you, will you marry me, it's a girl/boy, some are scary.you're fired, i hate you, i want a divorce, he/she is dead. and some are both. i'm pregnant, we're moving. all of these sounds formed together by our mouths, and registered in our brains as having a significant importance and feeling attached...mean so so much.
now, words can be meaningless too. all of those things we long to hear can come from someone who we don't care about and we can just let it roll off. no big deal.
what happens when someone that you do care about, doesn't say those things you long to hear. is it ok to drop hints? sure....but then is it genuine? you're now stuck in this guessing game of whether the emotion behind the words is real or not.
i guess i don't really know where i'm going with this, other that we depict who's words have importance and who's do not.
my sister wrote me a letter for my birthday shoved inside a giant pencil. it wasn't anything extravagant, but she took the time to write it, and it came from the heart. i don't think things get much better than that :)
there are so many words that we long to hear. i love you, im proud of you, will you marry me, it's a girl/boy, some are scary.you're fired, i hate you, i want a divorce, he/she is dead. and some are both. i'm pregnant, we're moving. all of these sounds formed together by our mouths, and registered in our brains as having a significant importance and feeling attached...mean so so much.
now, words can be meaningless too. all of those things we long to hear can come from someone who we don't care about and we can just let it roll off. no big deal.
what happens when someone that you do care about, doesn't say those things you long to hear. is it ok to drop hints? sure....but then is it genuine? you're now stuck in this guessing game of whether the emotion behind the words is real or not.
i guess i don't really know where i'm going with this, other that we depict who's words have importance and who's do not.
my sister wrote me a letter for my birthday shoved inside a giant pencil. it wasn't anything extravagant, but she took the time to write it, and it came from the heart. i don't think things get much better than that :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
oh, the places you will go...
why are decisions so hard?
earlier this year every choice i made seemed to be black and white. so easy to decide on what should be done, with whom and where. but now...it's not.
i guess when struck with tragedy, or a life changing situation, decisions are made easily. our main focus might be a) just fucking survival or b) what will make us happy. that's my new mantra for this year: do what makes you happy.
so now my hard spot is that i have this incredible man that i love, and am completely happy every day with him. we share the same dreams, and just are similar in a lot of different ways. for the first time in years, i feel that the love i am giving is actually being returned. it's such an amazing feeling!
now there's the whole florida deal. i really am in love with the place. it's so beautiful and i've enjoyed it every time i have gone. (minus the mosquito's haha) i was so eager to leave and get everything going after the new year 'resolution' that i got everything all set to go and stuff. but now i'm not sure if i was just eager for a new start or really really wanting to go. i think maybe both.
this new guy i have, well he's so supportive of what i want to do. there are a few things on the west coast that are kind of important things for me to go to, so i don't really want to miss that. i want to spend time with my family before i leave, but will have to wait until after tax season, and just...there's so many things to tackle before i move. i don't want to move away from my newfound love, but a little i know in my heart that i need to do this florida thing. idk what time frame and people keep asking and asking and i just want to scream because i don't know and i hate not having a plan and why can't we just fold the united states in half so washington is so much closer to florida. plz.k.thx.
earlier this year every choice i made seemed to be black and white. so easy to decide on what should be done, with whom and where. but now...it's not.
i guess when struck with tragedy, or a life changing situation, decisions are made easily. our main focus might be a) just fucking survival or b) what will make us happy. that's my new mantra for this year: do what makes you happy.
so now my hard spot is that i have this incredible man that i love, and am completely happy every day with him. we share the same dreams, and just are similar in a lot of different ways. for the first time in years, i feel that the love i am giving is actually being returned. it's such an amazing feeling!
now there's the whole florida deal. i really am in love with the place. it's so beautiful and i've enjoyed it every time i have gone. (minus the mosquito's haha) i was so eager to leave and get everything going after the new year 'resolution' that i got everything all set to go and stuff. but now i'm not sure if i was just eager for a new start or really really wanting to go. i think maybe both.
this new guy i have, well he's so supportive of what i want to do. there are a few things on the west coast that are kind of important things for me to go to, so i don't really want to miss that. i want to spend time with my family before i leave, but will have to wait until after tax season, and just...there's so many things to tackle before i move. i don't want to move away from my newfound love, but a little i know in my heart that i need to do this florida thing. idk what time frame and people keep asking and asking and i just want to scream because i don't know and i hate not having a plan and why can't we just fold the united states in half so washington is so much closer to florida. plz.k.thx.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
my take on the matter...
so. yesterday morning i watched the kony 2012 video on youtube. it really moved me. it also brought up a lot of controvery on facebook, some of which i found extremely small minded. i tried to not take it too harshly, being that it's their opinion and they are entitled to it. also, it's their facebook where they can say what they would like, and i don't have to read it. but here are my thoughts on the matter. you don't have to like it but it's mine.
1. i think it's remarkably noble for this man to take it upon himself to create awareness of a terrible tyrant and strive to make a better life for those less fortunate and for those who are unable to help himself. it's selfless. i find it stupid for people to critisize everyone caring all of a sudden because his film brought awareness about this issue going on. i personally wouldn't have known about it unless i had watched the video. i don't get on google and try to discover what bad shit is going on in whichever country. so i offer him a big thank you about opening my eyes to something that i wouldn't have known about. and damn straight i'm going to support him.
2. this bullshit about "oh there's hungry kids everywhere and why don't we worry about the one in america first or other countries" well you know what? there are hungry kids everywhere. this man didn't choose africa just for shits and giggles. he went there. he saw it. he felt for them. he chose to make a difference. if he hadn't done something about it, do you think we would even be thinking about it right now? or would it just get swept under the rug, and eventually turn into a genocide? i mean look at what a beautiful thing he is doing. out of the kindness and concern from his heart, he's trying to make a difference. there is such a bigger picture to look at than who HE is choosing to help. this is one man. one man's choice. one man's efforts. there are several other organizations to help children in america or other countries....why don't you promote one of those if you have such a problem with him trying to help the one he is choosing. everyone has free will to support who they want. why don't you start doing something to help those children in america that are hungry, instead of just complain about what someone is not doing.
3. sitting back and doing nothing is not an option. saying that God will take care of it is a cop out. i believe in God and love him with all of my heart. i have full faith in his capabilities, but i do not believe in sitting back and doing nothing while evil is happening. what happened to being kind and loving thy neighbor, and caring for those less fortunate than you? hebrews 13:16: do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. philippians 2:4: let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. john 3:17: but if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? i could go on and on. but seriously....take some responsibility for yourself.
4. this thing. this awareness. this movement. it could change a lot of things. if one man can make a video and get the whole world to care, imagine how that can work for voting, and changing the way we vote and how our government works to where it is really about the people and not how people in congress just get to run things. if instead of two voting parties we actually had the interest of our people and of ourselves. it just means a lot of different things and i think to close your mind and critique what this man is doing, you're extremely selfish and stupid. i don't like to call people stupid, but come on now.
1. i think it's remarkably noble for this man to take it upon himself to create awareness of a terrible tyrant and strive to make a better life for those less fortunate and for those who are unable to help himself. it's selfless. i find it stupid for people to critisize everyone caring all of a sudden because his film brought awareness about this issue going on. i personally wouldn't have known about it unless i had watched the video. i don't get on google and try to discover what bad shit is going on in whichever country. so i offer him a big thank you about opening my eyes to something that i wouldn't have known about. and damn straight i'm going to support him.
2. this bullshit about "oh there's hungry kids everywhere and why don't we worry about the one in america first or other countries" well you know what? there are hungry kids everywhere. this man didn't choose africa just for shits and giggles. he went there. he saw it. he felt for them. he chose to make a difference. if he hadn't done something about it, do you think we would even be thinking about it right now? or would it just get swept under the rug, and eventually turn into a genocide? i mean look at what a beautiful thing he is doing. out of the kindness and concern from his heart, he's trying to make a difference. there is such a bigger picture to look at than who HE is choosing to help. this is one man. one man's choice. one man's efforts. there are several other organizations to help children in america or other countries....why don't you promote one of those if you have such a problem with him trying to help the one he is choosing. everyone has free will to support who they want. why don't you start doing something to help those children in america that are hungry, instead of just complain about what someone is not doing.
3. sitting back and doing nothing is not an option. saying that God will take care of it is a cop out. i believe in God and love him with all of my heart. i have full faith in his capabilities, but i do not believe in sitting back and doing nothing while evil is happening. what happened to being kind and loving thy neighbor, and caring for those less fortunate than you? hebrews 13:16: do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. philippians 2:4: let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. john 3:17: but if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? i could go on and on. but seriously....take some responsibility for yourself.
4. this thing. this awareness. this movement. it could change a lot of things. if one man can make a video and get the whole world to care, imagine how that can work for voting, and changing the way we vote and how our government works to where it is really about the people and not how people in congress just get to run things. if instead of two voting parties we actually had the interest of our people and of ourselves. it just means a lot of different things and i think to close your mind and critique what this man is doing, you're extremely selfish and stupid. i don't like to call people stupid, but come on now.
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