G.I. Barbie

i never really felt anything when people would talk about war, or our troops, or anything like that. don't get me wrong, i am a proud american and am thankful for those who fight for our freedom, but i never really had that strong emotional connectioin to it all. it wasn't real to me. well, all that changed when my baby sister joined the national guard. a decision i never would have expected. i always pictured her as becoming a dancer or something like that. not a soldier.

kell and i definately shared that sibling love/hate thing. mostly hate some days. but loved always. she was the cute little younger sister that cut the ear off of MY beanie baby to see what was inside..not hers. somehow left me with a beheaded barbie (my favorite one). always won at monopoly, and would be doing something naughty when she was quiet.

as we grew up, we grew apart. we learned privacyn and valued our own. we made new friends and learned to keep secrets. i don't think i ever really knew who she was, other than my bratty sister. maybe she knew me better. she was always a better person like that than i was. i wish that had been different a little. i wish that i had been there for her, and she for me. loving is so much better than fighting....so much better.

now i don't really get to talk to her or see her. i don't think i'm on the top of her call sheet...but that's ok. as we've matured a little i think we value each other as a person, and as a sister a little more. we're different. and we always have been. but i think now we can appreciate the differences in each other.

i miss her. i miss hearing her happy voice and the "hey sis!" when i would go home to my parents house. with her not being there the house feels even more unlike "home". just a place that use to be home. thanksgiving was sad not spent with her here. us drinking sparkling cider out of fanceh glasses from mom's wine cabinet or hiding from you know who because they take a shit ton of pictures when you've got gobs of food in your mouth...ugh. sitting by dad and making jokes...i miss that. those are the thanksgivings that are "home" to me.

talking to kell on the phone now is nice. she seems happy and i am proue of her. i always have been. i guess i shouldn't have been surprised when she joined the guard. she's always been a warrior. through her teeth surgery, through everything. she is such a strong willed girl. something that i am not. i am so very proud of her. and love her. so much. it makes me sad when she tells me future plans. i guess i just know that i will miss her wherever she is. wherever i am.

an ending long overdue...

over the past few days, my life has been filled with odd coincidences that make me feel very awkward. however, the people that these situations are based around really have no idea. or maybe they do and i just don't know. all the better. anyways. being presented with such encounters has really got me thinking. something which i would rather not think about. why? because i was played by an asshole, and deeply hurt my best friend.

this was going to be a huge rant about all the things that happened and that were fucked up. but what i am really mad about is just what i did. i'm mad about who i let myself become in order to satisfy my need for being wanted. not that i wasn't getting that, but in my mind i wasn't getting enough of it. it's really a rotten thing. i'm so insecure, when i really shouldn't be. i don't need anyones approval except my own.

so tonight. i have decided to set a concrete foot down and start fresh. fresh from old thoughts, old wants, and old feelings. no longer will i think of you, talk about you, or remember anything that has to do with you. you are a closed chapter in an old book. i do not wish you harm. i am not happy nor angry with you. you are nothing to me. if i see you, please do not talk to me. i am acknowledging what type of person i was when i was around you, and have decided that that is not who i wish to be.

the end.

skippity doo dahh

sometimes i just wish that i could jump ahead to where i want to be in life. like with whoever my husband will be, raising the family i want, the job i'll be at for most of my life...

i'm not really a big party-goer. i mean, i tried the whole stay out late thing, do something every night sorta deal...and don't get me wrong, i did enjoy the company (for the most part..crackbabywhore&tabs..coughcough) but it was so exhausting! it made me realize i'm somewhat of an old fart and would much rather just spend a quiet night at home cuddled up on the couch watching a movie.

there are a few options i've made up in my mind that would be acceptable options for the rest of my life. but what throws everything off is just the waiting and uncertainty and stability of what i have now, and what i could potentially have. i guess i just hate not knowing. it sucks knowing that the life i want isn't what i have now, and waiting for what i want is taking too long. i'm so impatient :)

watching shows like say yes to the dress and teen mom and other little familia shows just make that longing for my 'life' to get here sooner. and i know that once i get an idea in my head, build up everything around it....i really want it and do everything to make it happen.

sooo basically i feel like i'm just ready. as young as i may be, i know what i want. mister right and everything else just sorta need to hurry up :)

just a spoon full of sugar...

i love my job. i enjoy being around the people i work with. sometimes though, no matter how much you love what you're doing or who you're with...you can just be tired. that's what i am. i'm just exhausted. i've worked five 8 hour days, one 8.5 hour day, and a 10 hour day in a row. with the addition of school and trying to find the energy to make something to eat 3 times a day. what about having a social life? hah! what is this life you speak of? when i get home i think damn...

i need a beer.

tomorrow or i guess i should say 'today' is my day off. i need to get a ton of things done.
but i will probably end up doing nothing.

fabulous.

it's my life...

things change. people change. feelings change. seasons change. life changes. it's hard to accept change sometimes, but i believe that changes do make a person stronger. relationships stronger. even if that means losing one relationship, it can make another that much better.

i've learned that everyone has opinions about what i do. good. bad. whatever. i used to always want others opinions, their satisfaction. but now...i could really care less. because when it comes down to it, it's my life. these are my feelings, and my consequences. if you don't want to hear me bitch or rant about how fantastic things are...then just peace out right now. why waste my time and the energy pretending that you actually care to listen?

i will never be perfect. i've actually proven lots to myself, and to others that i am far from it. but through lack of perfection, comes imperfection, and through imperfections we will find beauty. whoever i end up with, is going to have to love my imperfections. and truuuuuust me honey, i've got lots of them to love :) don't worry, i'm not a total train wreck though haha...

hmm. so today, i was really really taken aback by someone. i saw them in a new light. it wasn't something they did, but what they said. it held so much meaning and thoughtfulness behind it. it literally stayed on my mind all day. i think it kind of gave me that little bit of energy that my cold had drained out of me. it's one of those things that's so special....i don't even want to share :)

i want a cupcake.

Who Draws The Big Picture?

So lately, I've been wondering whether or not God has a path planned out for us, or if we just have free will to choose our own. Or maybe, he just provides us with options and we choose between those. I like to believe that God is there, along side me, helping me paint my picture. Sometimes I get greedy and use more paint than I should, or hog the brush.

I think I need to rely more on God to help me paint, and not just do everything myself. I need to rely on others more too. Sometimes I'm such a perfectionist that I'd rather just do things myself, knowing that they are done to my expectations and standards, rather than let them just be half-assed. Not saying that God half-asses things...not in the least. But just with other humans in my life.

One thing I know that I need to rely on myself and God a little more for, is just my own happiness. I let other so easily effect my emotions, that once I get my hopes up, and things don't work out as planned...I'm so bummed. Or mad. Or something. When really, I shouldn't let other people have so much control over how I feel. I am really fortunate to have good things in my life. My own place. Family. Parker. A job that I love.

For a long time I've had this idea in my head that something is missing. That I won't be happy until _________. At first, it was moving out of Sunnyside. Check. Then it was finding a job. Check. Then getting my own apartment. Check. Then it was to get a dog. Check. All of these have made me happier. But there will always be an empty feeling until I can learn to just be ok with me. Learn how to enjoy being with myself. Sounds funny, but it's just what needs to be done.

All in all, I've come across an answer that I am satisfied with to my question as to who draws this big picture that we call life. It's God. He has a set plan for us, but we have to choose to walk down the path with him. There is a 'best path'. It's already been laid out for us, we just have to seek him and let him lead us in each step. When we take the wrong path, and stray off course, he doesn't panic. He'll lead us back on track. It's all about our relationship with Jesus and our constant desire to know what he wants us to do next. Keep following the path, and walk with him. Don't hesitate or be afraid to ask for help, or a light if it's dark.