sitting, waiting, wishing

why is it so hard to share feelings? is it because we don't want to vulnerable in fear of getting rejected? or maybe it's because we don't want to hurt the other persons feelings... whatever the case may be, talking about feelings, good or bad, sucks.

this year i'm taking one of the greatest skills that i have learned from work, and applying it to my personal life. friends, strangers, family, etc. it's called open and honest communication. i am so tired of holding shit in that i just am not going to do it anymore. i mean seriously, like what good does it do me if i never tell someone that i like them? it doesn't hurt if you don't expect anything out of it, or take it too hard. there is so much more to gain by using your voice, than by staying quiet.

so here's my shit:

1. i don't like to be snapped at. i don't appreciate rude teasing, just so you can feel more superior or deal with your frustrations. I WILL call you on it, and ask you to stop, because it hurts my feelings. it's uncalled for, and people are just happier when it's not done.

2. i am really going to try to be level headed about things. no more excessive caring or agonizing over a situation. just let it go. for so long i've cared too much, and received so little in return. don't get me wrong, i have a huge heart, it's just gonna be harder to break now.

3. i'm closing this big bad ugly ass door on all the things that have made me unhappy. so hello, new year, new me, and cheers to being happy!

4. i'm gonna do things how i want to do them, when (well in my own time frame), and whatever else that ME ME ME wants to do. i'm not going to strive to please others. just a certain few that really matter to me, but that's just because i love them and want to make them proud :)

keep it real yo.

don't say you did, cause you didn't

don't call me. you already ruined everything.
don't look at me. what you did was wrong.
don't talk to me. you've already said enough.
don't ignore me. you're the one who fucked up.
don't say you've changed. you didn't change for me.



do ask about me. i'm doing fucking great.

do think about me. you'll never find another girl like me.

do miss me. i'm the best you'll ever have.

do feel bad. what you did was wrong.

do listen. i might need to yell at you.

black eyes, blue tears..

He beat me. He hit and hit and yelled and yelled. Every name that he thought would cut into me he said numerous times. I cried. I cried so much. I cried so hard I didn't sob. I screamed so much that I lost my voice. I didn't know my body could hurt like that. I don't remember being scared, not really anyways...all I could think about doing was getting to my apartment and just escaping. Who was this monster next to me? Hitting me, cussing me out, yelling at me? I keep telling myself that I don't know this person.

Who was that? But being drunk and angry doesn't give passes for evil. It transforms you into a monster version of yourself, not someone different. It's scary to think how anger and hate can drive us to do something unspeakable. That those emotions can be so overwhelming to our mind that we just retaliate with violence and hurtful words. It's disgusting.

In the past I've gotten to points of anger where I just can't control it. I don't know what to do with it. I yell, but that just doesn't seem to get enough of it out of me. Looking back though, I shouldn't have focused on who I was angry at, but more of the source of my anger and was that person or situation really worth feeling like this? I was so blind.

I have been blessed with this beautiful life. I am lucky in so many ways, and I have been taking that for granted with a poisoned relationship for so long. I am really a happy person. I have no idea why I let myself be anything but that. I shouldn't have to consistenly try to please someone else while I take nothing in return. I can long and hope for the little things back, but if someone wanted to do them, they would've after the first time you said something. 5 years down the road and you're still wanting the same things...open your eyes sweetheart, shit isn't gonna change.

I don't hate him for what he did to me. I don't know why. I'm kind of relieved that I don't. That night after I got home after the arguement, God must have been listening. I don't remember asking him for anything, but I remember thinking that I wish I had a sign that would show me the right path. Whether staying with him or leaving him would be a better choice. Well, not that what happened was a good thing, but it was sort of a blessing in it's own. It's a true test of faith, and test of my own strength. A weak individual would choose to go back. Scared of the future, and ignorant to the bliss and happiness that she deserves in a relationship. Strong, brave, and courageous me decided to leave his ass and go for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yea, you can say it. GO ME!

I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I guess I know in my heart that I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore a long time ago. I was afraid of being alone and letting go. It's easier for me to not be at fault for something, I don't feel as guilty. But that's kind of stupid. I should stand by my decisions knowing that I made them, and take the consequences head on. I have to do what's best for me, and if someone falls into my path that is poisonous to my happiness, then I'm sorry, but you'll have to go dear.

For everyone who's scared, or getting beaten, or verbally abused, or getting anything less than they deserve....you have the choice to end it. No matter where you go, someone is out there to help you. You may have to hit bottom, but once you hit the bottom, there's only going up from there. I feel so liberated and free. I just wish that every poor soul that is unhappy can be saved. And may God take pity on the sinners. For they will have to deal with his wrath, and live with their unjust.

G.I. Barbie

i never really felt anything when people would talk about war, or our troops, or anything like that. don't get me wrong, i am a proud american and am thankful for those who fight for our freedom, but i never really had that strong emotional connectioin to it all. it wasn't real to me. well, all that changed when my baby sister joined the national guard. a decision i never would have expected. i always pictured her as becoming a dancer or something like that. not a soldier.

kell and i definately shared that sibling love/hate thing. mostly hate some days. but loved always. she was the cute little younger sister that cut the ear off of MY beanie baby to see what was inside..not hers. somehow left me with a beheaded barbie (my favorite one). always won at monopoly, and would be doing something naughty when she was quiet.

as we grew up, we grew apart. we learned privacyn and valued our own. we made new friends and learned to keep secrets. i don't think i ever really knew who she was, other than my bratty sister. maybe she knew me better. she was always a better person like that than i was. i wish that had been different a little. i wish that i had been there for her, and she for me. loving is so much better than fighting....so much better.

now i don't really get to talk to her or see her. i don't think i'm on the top of her call sheet...but that's ok. as we've matured a little i think we value each other as a person, and as a sister a little more. we're different. and we always have been. but i think now we can appreciate the differences in each other.

i miss her. i miss hearing her happy voice and the "hey sis!" when i would go home to my parents house. with her not being there the house feels even more unlike "home". just a place that use to be home. thanksgiving was sad not spent with her here. us drinking sparkling cider out of fanceh glasses from mom's wine cabinet or hiding from you know who because they take a shit ton of pictures when you've got gobs of food in your mouth...ugh. sitting by dad and making jokes...i miss that. those are the thanksgivings that are "home" to me.

talking to kell on the phone now is nice. she seems happy and i am proue of her. i always have been. i guess i shouldn't have been surprised when she joined the guard. she's always been a warrior. through her teeth surgery, through everything. she is such a strong willed girl. something that i am not. i am so very proud of her. and love her. so much. it makes me sad when she tells me future plans. i guess i just know that i will miss her wherever she is. wherever i am.

an ending long overdue...

over the past few days, my life has been filled with odd coincidences that make me feel very awkward. however, the people that these situations are based around really have no idea. or maybe they do and i just don't know. all the better. anyways. being presented with such encounters has really got me thinking. something which i would rather not think about. why? because i was played by an asshole, and deeply hurt my best friend.

this was going to be a huge rant about all the things that happened and that were fucked up. but what i am really mad about is just what i did. i'm mad about who i let myself become in order to satisfy my need for being wanted. not that i wasn't getting that, but in my mind i wasn't getting enough of it. it's really a rotten thing. i'm so insecure, when i really shouldn't be. i don't need anyones approval except my own.

so tonight. i have decided to set a concrete foot down and start fresh. fresh from old thoughts, old wants, and old feelings. no longer will i think of you, talk about you, or remember anything that has to do with you. you are a closed chapter in an old book. i do not wish you harm. i am not happy nor angry with you. you are nothing to me. if i see you, please do not talk to me. i am acknowledging what type of person i was when i was around you, and have decided that that is not who i wish to be.

the end.

skippity doo dahh

sometimes i just wish that i could jump ahead to where i want to be in life. like with whoever my husband will be, raising the family i want, the job i'll be at for most of my life...

i'm not really a big party-goer. i mean, i tried the whole stay out late thing, do something every night sorta deal...and don't get me wrong, i did enjoy the company (for the most part..crackbabywhore&tabs..coughcough) but it was so exhausting! it made me realize i'm somewhat of an old fart and would much rather just spend a quiet night at home cuddled up on the couch watching a movie.

there are a few options i've made up in my mind that would be acceptable options for the rest of my life. but what throws everything off is just the waiting and uncertainty and stability of what i have now, and what i could potentially have. i guess i just hate not knowing. it sucks knowing that the life i want isn't what i have now, and waiting for what i want is taking too long. i'm so impatient :)

watching shows like say yes to the dress and teen mom and other little familia shows just make that longing for my 'life' to get here sooner. and i know that once i get an idea in my head, build up everything around it....i really want it and do everything to make it happen.

sooo basically i feel like i'm just ready. as young as i may be, i know what i want. mister right and everything else just sorta need to hurry up :)

just a spoon full of sugar...

i love my job. i enjoy being around the people i work with. sometimes though, no matter how much you love what you're doing or who you're with...you can just be tired. that's what i am. i'm just exhausted. i've worked five 8 hour days, one 8.5 hour day, and a 10 hour day in a row. with the addition of school and trying to find the energy to make something to eat 3 times a day. what about having a social life? hah! what is this life you speak of? when i get home i think damn...

i need a beer.

tomorrow or i guess i should say 'today' is my day off. i need to get a ton of things done.
but i will probably end up doing nothing.

fabulous.