He beat me. He hit and hit and yelled and yelled. Every name that he thought would cut into me he said numerous times. I cried. I cried so much. I cried so hard I didn't sob. I screamed so much that I lost my voice. I didn't know my body could hurt like that. I don't remember being scared, not really anyways...all I could think about doing was getting to my apartment and just escaping. Who was this monster next to me? Hitting me, cussing me out, yelling at me? I keep telling myself that I don't know this person.
Who was that? But being drunk and angry doesn't give passes for evil. It transforms you into a monster version of yourself, not someone different. It's scary to think how anger and hate can drive us to do something unspeakable. That those emotions can be so overwhelming to our mind that we just retaliate with violence and hurtful words. It's disgusting.
In the past I've gotten to points of anger where I just can't control it. I don't know what to do with it. I yell, but that just doesn't seem to get enough of it out of me. Looking back though, I shouldn't have focused on who I was angry at, but more of the source of my anger and was that person or situation really worth feeling like this? I was so blind.
I have been blessed with this beautiful life. I am lucky in so many ways, and I have been taking that for granted with a poisoned relationship for so long. I am really a happy person. I have no idea why I let myself be anything but that. I shouldn't have to consistenly try to please someone else while I take nothing in return. I can long and hope for the little things back, but if someone wanted to do them, they would've after the first time you said something. 5 years down the road and you're still wanting the same things...open your eyes sweetheart, shit isn't gonna change.
I don't hate him for what he did to me. I don't know why. I'm kind of relieved that I don't. That night after I got home after the arguement, God must have been listening. I don't remember asking him for anything, but I remember thinking that I wish I had a sign that would show me the right path. Whether staying with him or leaving him would be a better choice. Well, not that what happened was a good thing, but it was sort of a blessing in it's own. It's a true test of faith, and test of my own strength. A weak individual would choose to go back. Scared of the future, and ignorant to the bliss and happiness that she deserves in a relationship. Strong, brave, and courageous me decided to leave his ass and go for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yea, you can say it. GO ME!
I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I guess I know in my heart that I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore a long time ago. I was afraid of being alone and letting go. It's easier for me to not be at fault for something, I don't feel as guilty. But that's kind of stupid. I should stand by my decisions knowing that I made them, and take the consequences head on. I have to do what's best for me, and if someone falls into my path that is poisonous to my happiness, then I'm sorry, but you'll have to go dear.
For everyone who's scared, or getting beaten, or verbally abused, or getting anything less than they deserve....you have the choice to end it. No matter where you go, someone is out there to help you. You may have to hit bottom, but once you hit the bottom, there's only going up from there. I feel so liberated and free. I just wish that every poor soul that is unhappy can be saved. And may God take pity on the sinners. For they will have to deal with his wrath, and live with their unjust.
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