so since you suck at sharing your feelings n shit, here's mine. typed nice and pretty for you to read. apart from yesterday in my drunken stupor, i don't think i've really ever had the balls to just tell you. so look at me, all grown up and finally saying something.
/sigh. here goes something.
9th grade: met you. you definately got to play the hot upperclassmen role (very well may i add), and i was just little shy me. msn was like, the late match.com. it made it soooo much easier to talk to people that you liked! i don't think we would have ever gotten to know each other without it. well maybe, but it would've taken foreverrrrr. low and behold you weren't just a pretty face, but you were incredibly smart, witty, and just crazy sexy. not gonna lie, you are to blame for me being super anal about their, they're and there lol i hated being corrected by you, only because i didn't want to seem dumb. tolo was like dream date city for me. took a lot of guts to ask you, but i was really happy you said yes. i wish i would have been braver and told you that i liked you or something then, but things are meant to happen for a reason.
10th grade: so at like the first dance of the year, or back to school dance whatever, i got asked to be someone's girlfriend. i really liked this person, but even when i said yes, you were in my head. it's kind of sad, really. i went to the bathroom and shed a tear because i was so hoping that something would happen with you. i just got really tired of waiting.
11th grade: fucking worst year of my life. you were so understanding when i called and talked to you. it was kind of nice to hear you say that that person sucked. silly as it may be, but it was.
12th grade: still with the same guy. see you occasionally. ok, like hardly ever. i usually try to tell you happy birthday, and the occasional holiday shit.
college year 1: still with the same guy. i'm not like super happy, and you're not in like super favor, but i'm too weak to know better, and you're not brave enough to tell me i deserve more. i kinda wish you would have. maybe i would've listened.
college year 2: i was pretty superfuckingstoked when you asked me if i wanted to go to lunch when you were in tri for your knee stuff. bad circumstances, but regardless i was pumped. it was nice seeing you. you were still attractive to me. i missed talking to you....i've always liked talking to you. pretty sure it was that same summer, but maybe not. got to finally hang out with you in like a normal setting. i was more outgoing than when you first met me. and skinnier. i never really knew what you liked except mexican girls and weirdo indie college girls you would tell me about. i guess i've always thought that i wasn't good enough for you. anyways, got shwasted. (i swear, no more fireball...it kills me). kinda let it show through that i liked you still. i kind of have little patterns. i don't know if you've noticed. whenever i would "break up" with that guy, i'd always go back. just at least to say hi, or see how you're doing. he knew how much i liked you, so it would always turn into a huge fight if i texted you or something...hence the facebook deletion. the text you sent me the next day kinda crushed me a little. i guess i should've known...and i did. i don't want to be that girl. not with you, and not to ruin things that you have with someone. i care about you as a person more than just some crush i've had.
college year 3 aka now: i'm finally out. no more dude. no more bullshit. it took a fucking beating to make me leave, but in my mind it's the best reason to move on. i think i've finally realized that having someone really controlling and not as loving as what i want/need...is not ok. i hope you're proud. i'm not perfect. i don't know what you want, and i'm kinda broken. i'm healing, and i think i'm a lot stronger of a person than i have ever been. i hope you can see that. i think that with any relationship loving yourself is the first step. i haven't been doing that. i gave a lot and didn't save much for me. it's fucking hard to tell you how i feel. i have no idea why. i really tried, but it's so much easier for me to just write it. especially since you make it soooo much harder by not saying like anything. i wish you would just like say whatever it is that you think/feel towards me, and just let me know. doesn't really have to go anywhere, but just knowing would satisfy like 7 years worth of wondering. that's a long ass time. no matter what, i'll always be a friend for you. you've listened to my bullshit plenty of times, and i'd gladly do the same for you in a heartbeat. no matter where you go in life, i only wish the best for you. you deserve it.
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