i never really felt anything when people would talk about war, or our troops, or anything like that. don't get me wrong, i am a proud american and am thankful for those who fight for our freedom, but i never really had that strong emotional connectioin to it all. it wasn't real to me. well, all that changed when my baby sister joined the national guard. a decision i never would have expected. i always pictured her as becoming a dancer or something like that. not a soldier.
kell and i definately shared that sibling love/hate thing. mostly hate some days. but loved always. she was the cute little younger sister that cut the ear off of MY beanie baby to see what was inside..not hers. somehow left me with a beheaded barbie (my favorite one). always won at monopoly, and would be doing something naughty when she was quiet.
as we grew up, we grew apart. we learned privacyn and valued our own. we made new friends and learned to keep secrets. i don't think i ever really knew who she was, other than my bratty sister. maybe she knew me better. she was always a better person like that than i was. i wish that had been different a little. i wish that i had been there for her, and she for me. loving is so much better than fighting....so much better.
now i don't really get to talk to her or see her. i don't think i'm on the top of her call sheet...but that's ok. as we've matured a little i think we value each other as a person, and as a sister a little more. we're different. and we always have been. but i think now we can appreciate the differences in each other.
i miss her. i miss hearing her happy voice and the "hey sis!" when i would go home to my parents house. with her not being there the house feels even more unlike "home". just a place that use to be home. thanksgiving was sad not spent with her here. us drinking sparkling cider out of fanceh glasses from mom's wine cabinet or hiding from you know who because they take a shit ton of pictures when you've got gobs of food in your mouth...ugh. sitting by dad and making jokes...i miss that. those are the thanksgivings that are "home" to me.
talking to kell on the phone now is nice. she seems happy and i am proue of her. i always have been. i guess i shouldn't have been surprised when she joined the guard. she's always been a warrior. through her teeth surgery, through everything. she is such a strong willed girl. something that i am not. i am so very proud of her. and love her. so much. it makes me sad when she tells me future plans. i guess i just know that i will miss her wherever she is. wherever i am.
