regardless of whether we want it to or not, let's face it, shit changes. it's inevitable. sometimes we change for good, sometimes bad. for me, i kind of feel like i had changed in a bad way, but realized that and changed in a good way, and then kinda found out who i am, and how i want to portray myself. it was a long road to get to this point. lately, i feel like my life is changing so much, or at least i'm making decisions that will make it change a lot. i'm excited though. i think i'm headed in a good happy direction, something that is long overdue.
sometimes changes we make can be overwhelming and scary, but if you know the outcome will be good, or if it's something you really want...just go for it. i'm kind of holding myself accountable to just going for the things that i want. not really holding anything back. i mean, it's better than not trying at all right? and if it doesn't work out, then fuck it. it wasn't meant to be. pick something new.
on another note...tonight is applebee's night for work. hopefully everyone gets to go. it's actually really fun being around the girls outside of work. we have a really great group of girls working right now. it's hard to find people that you enjoy to be around. i've made some really great friends from working there. i'm kind of one of those weird people that are long term. i stay in places for a long time, keep the same job, same relationship. but...things change.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
for wanda...
so since you suck at sharing your feelings n shit, here's mine. typed nice and pretty for you to read. apart from yesterday in my drunken stupor, i don't think i've really ever had the balls to just tell you. so look at me, all grown up and finally saying something.
/sigh. here goes something.
9th grade: met you. you definately got to play the hot upperclassmen role (very well may i add), and i was just little shy me. msn was like, the late match.com. it made it soooo much easier to talk to people that you liked! i don't think we would have ever gotten to know each other without it. well maybe, but it would've taken foreverrrrr. low and behold you weren't just a pretty face, but you were incredibly smart, witty, and just crazy sexy. not gonna lie, you are to blame for me being super anal about their, they're and there lol i hated being corrected by you, only because i didn't want to seem dumb. tolo was like dream date city for me. took a lot of guts to ask you, but i was really happy you said yes. i wish i would have been braver and told you that i liked you or something then, but things are meant to happen for a reason.
10th grade: so at like the first dance of the year, or back to school dance whatever, i got asked to be someone's girlfriend. i really liked this person, but even when i said yes, you were in my head. it's kind of sad, really. i went to the bathroom and shed a tear because i was so hoping that something would happen with you. i just got really tired of waiting.
11th grade: fucking worst year of my life. you were so understanding when i called and talked to you. it was kind of nice to hear you say that that person sucked. silly as it may be, but it was.
12th grade: still with the same guy. see you occasionally. ok, like hardly ever. i usually try to tell you happy birthday, and the occasional holiday shit.
college year 1: still with the same guy. i'm not like super happy, and you're not in like super favor, but i'm too weak to know better, and you're not brave enough to tell me i deserve more. i kinda wish you would have. maybe i would've listened.
college year 2: i was pretty superfuckingstoked when you asked me if i wanted to go to lunch when you were in tri for your knee stuff. bad circumstances, but regardless i was pumped. it was nice seeing you. you were still attractive to me. i missed talking to you....i've always liked talking to you. pretty sure it was that same summer, but maybe not. got to finally hang out with you in like a normal setting. i was more outgoing than when you first met me. and skinnier. i never really knew what you liked except mexican girls and weirdo indie college girls you would tell me about. i guess i've always thought that i wasn't good enough for you. anyways, got shwasted. (i swear, no more fireball...it kills me). kinda let it show through that i liked you still. i kind of have little patterns. i don't know if you've noticed. whenever i would "break up" with that guy, i'd always go back. just at least to say hi, or see how you're doing. he knew how much i liked you, so it would always turn into a huge fight if i texted you or something...hence the facebook deletion. the text you sent me the next day kinda crushed me a little. i guess i should've known...and i did. i don't want to be that girl. not with you, and not to ruin things that you have with someone. i care about you as a person more than just some crush i've had.
college year 3 aka now: i'm finally out. no more dude. no more bullshit. it took a fucking beating to make me leave, but in my mind it's the best reason to move on. i think i've finally realized that having someone really controlling and not as loving as what i want/need...is not ok. i hope you're proud. i'm not perfect. i don't know what you want, and i'm kinda broken. i'm healing, and i think i'm a lot stronger of a person than i have ever been. i hope you can see that. i think that with any relationship loving yourself is the first step. i haven't been doing that. i gave a lot and didn't save much for me. it's fucking hard to tell you how i feel. i have no idea why. i really tried, but it's so much easier for me to just write it. especially since you make it soooo much harder by not saying like anything. i wish you would just like say whatever it is that you think/feel towards me, and just let me know. doesn't really have to go anywhere, but just knowing would satisfy like 7 years worth of wondering. that's a long ass time. no matter what, i'll always be a friend for you. you've listened to my bullshit plenty of times, and i'd gladly do the same for you in a heartbeat. no matter where you go in life, i only wish the best for you. you deserve it.
/sigh. here goes something.
9th grade: met you. you definately got to play the hot upperclassmen role (very well may i add), and i was just little shy me. msn was like, the late match.com. it made it soooo much easier to talk to people that you liked! i don't think we would have ever gotten to know each other without it. well maybe, but it would've taken foreverrrrr. low and behold you weren't just a pretty face, but you were incredibly smart, witty, and just crazy sexy. not gonna lie, you are to blame for me being super anal about their, they're and there lol i hated being corrected by you, only because i didn't want to seem dumb. tolo was like dream date city for me. took a lot of guts to ask you, but i was really happy you said yes. i wish i would have been braver and told you that i liked you or something then, but things are meant to happen for a reason.
10th grade: so at like the first dance of the year, or back to school dance whatever, i got asked to be someone's girlfriend. i really liked this person, but even when i said yes, you were in my head. it's kind of sad, really. i went to the bathroom and shed a tear because i was so hoping that something would happen with you. i just got really tired of waiting.
11th grade: fucking worst year of my life. you were so understanding when i called and talked to you. it was kind of nice to hear you say that that person sucked. silly as it may be, but it was.
12th grade: still with the same guy. see you occasionally. ok, like hardly ever. i usually try to tell you happy birthday, and the occasional holiday shit.
college year 1: still with the same guy. i'm not like super happy, and you're not in like super favor, but i'm too weak to know better, and you're not brave enough to tell me i deserve more. i kinda wish you would have. maybe i would've listened.
college year 2: i was pretty superfuckingstoked when you asked me if i wanted to go to lunch when you were in tri for your knee stuff. bad circumstances, but regardless i was pumped. it was nice seeing you. you were still attractive to me. i missed talking to you....i've always liked talking to you. pretty sure it was that same summer, but maybe not. got to finally hang out with you in like a normal setting. i was more outgoing than when you first met me. and skinnier. i never really knew what you liked except mexican girls and weirdo indie college girls you would tell me about. i guess i've always thought that i wasn't good enough for you. anyways, got shwasted. (i swear, no more fireball...it kills me). kinda let it show through that i liked you still. i kind of have little patterns. i don't know if you've noticed. whenever i would "break up" with that guy, i'd always go back. just at least to say hi, or see how you're doing. he knew how much i liked you, so it would always turn into a huge fight if i texted you or something...hence the facebook deletion. the text you sent me the next day kinda crushed me a little. i guess i should've known...and i did. i don't want to be that girl. not with you, and not to ruin things that you have with someone. i care about you as a person more than just some crush i've had.
college year 3 aka now: i'm finally out. no more dude. no more bullshit. it took a fucking beating to make me leave, but in my mind it's the best reason to move on. i think i've finally realized that having someone really controlling and not as loving as what i want/need...is not ok. i hope you're proud. i'm not perfect. i don't know what you want, and i'm kinda broken. i'm healing, and i think i'm a lot stronger of a person than i have ever been. i hope you can see that. i think that with any relationship loving yourself is the first step. i haven't been doing that. i gave a lot and didn't save much for me. it's fucking hard to tell you how i feel. i have no idea why. i really tried, but it's so much easier for me to just write it. especially since you make it soooo much harder by not saying like anything. i wish you would just like say whatever it is that you think/feel towards me, and just let me know. doesn't really have to go anywhere, but just knowing would satisfy like 7 years worth of wondering. that's a long ass time. no matter what, i'll always be a friend for you. you've listened to my bullshit plenty of times, and i'd gladly do the same for you in a heartbeat. no matter where you go in life, i only wish the best for you. you deserve it.
sitting, waiting, wishing
why is it so hard to share feelings? is it because we don't want to vulnerable in fear of getting rejected? or maybe it's because we don't want to hurt the other persons feelings... whatever the case may be, talking about feelings, good or bad, sucks.
this year i'm taking one of the greatest skills that i have learned from work, and applying it to my personal life. friends, strangers, family, etc. it's called open and honest communication. i am so tired of holding shit in that i just am not going to do it anymore. i mean seriously, like what good does it do me if i never tell someone that i like them? it doesn't hurt if you don't expect anything out of it, or take it too hard. there is so much more to gain by using your voice, than by staying quiet.
so here's my shit:
1. i don't like to be snapped at. i don't appreciate rude teasing, just so you can feel more superior or deal with your frustrations. I WILL call you on it, and ask you to stop, because it hurts my feelings. it's uncalled for, and people are just happier when it's not done.
2. i am really going to try to be level headed about things. no more excessive caring or agonizing over a situation. just let it go. for so long i've cared too much, and received so little in return. don't get me wrong, i have a huge heart, it's just gonna be harder to break now.
3. i'm closing this big bad ugly ass door on all the things that have made me unhappy. so hello, new year, new me, and cheers to being happy!
4. i'm gonna do things how i want to do them, when (well in my own time frame), and whatever else that ME ME ME wants to do. i'm not going to strive to please others. just a certain few that really matter to me, but that's just because i love them and want to make them proud :)
keep it real yo.
this year i'm taking one of the greatest skills that i have learned from work, and applying it to my personal life. friends, strangers, family, etc. it's called open and honest communication. i am so tired of holding shit in that i just am not going to do it anymore. i mean seriously, like what good does it do me if i never tell someone that i like them? it doesn't hurt if you don't expect anything out of it, or take it too hard. there is so much more to gain by using your voice, than by staying quiet.
so here's my shit:
1. i don't like to be snapped at. i don't appreciate rude teasing, just so you can feel more superior or deal with your frustrations. I WILL call you on it, and ask you to stop, because it hurts my feelings. it's uncalled for, and people are just happier when it's not done.
2. i am really going to try to be level headed about things. no more excessive caring or agonizing over a situation. just let it go. for so long i've cared too much, and received so little in return. don't get me wrong, i have a huge heart, it's just gonna be harder to break now.
3. i'm closing this big bad ugly ass door on all the things that have made me unhappy. so hello, new year, new me, and cheers to being happy!
4. i'm gonna do things how i want to do them, when (well in my own time frame), and whatever else that ME ME ME wants to do. i'm not going to strive to please others. just a certain few that really matter to me, but that's just because i love them and want to make them proud :)
keep it real yo.
Friday, January 13, 2012
don't say you did, cause you didn't
don't call me. you already ruined everything.
don't look at me. what you did was wrong.
don't talk to me. you've already said enough.
don't ignore me. you're the one who fucked up.
don't say you've changed. you didn't change for me.
do ask about me. i'm doing fucking great.
do think about me. you'll never find another girl like me.
do miss me. i'm the best you'll ever have.
do feel bad. what you did was wrong.
do listen. i might need to yell at you.
don't look at me. what you did was wrong.
don't talk to me. you've already said enough.
don't ignore me. you're the one who fucked up.
don't say you've changed. you didn't change for me.
do ask about me. i'm doing fucking great.
do think about me. you'll never find another girl like me.
do miss me. i'm the best you'll ever have.
do feel bad. what you did was wrong.
do listen. i might need to yell at you.
black eyes, blue tears..
He beat me. He hit and hit and yelled and yelled. Every name that he thought would cut into me he said numerous times. I cried. I cried so much. I cried so hard I didn't sob. I screamed so much that I lost my voice. I didn't know my body could hurt like that. I don't remember being scared, not really anyways...all I could think about doing was getting to my apartment and just escaping. Who was this monster next to me? Hitting me, cussing me out, yelling at me? I keep telling myself that I don't know this person.
Who was that? But being drunk and angry doesn't give passes for evil. It transforms you into a monster version of yourself, not someone different. It's scary to think how anger and hate can drive us to do something unspeakable. That those emotions can be so overwhelming to our mind that we just retaliate with violence and hurtful words. It's disgusting.
In the past I've gotten to points of anger where I just can't control it. I don't know what to do with it. I yell, but that just doesn't seem to get enough of it out of me. Looking back though, I shouldn't have focused on who I was angry at, but more of the source of my anger and was that person or situation really worth feeling like this? I was so blind.
I have been blessed with this beautiful life. I am lucky in so many ways, and I have been taking that for granted with a poisoned relationship for so long. I am really a happy person. I have no idea why I let myself be anything but that. I shouldn't have to consistenly try to please someone else while I take nothing in return. I can long and hope for the little things back, but if someone wanted to do them, they would've after the first time you said something. 5 years down the road and you're still wanting the same things...open your eyes sweetheart, shit isn't gonna change.
I don't hate him for what he did to me. I don't know why. I'm kind of relieved that I don't. That night after I got home after the arguement, God must have been listening. I don't remember asking him for anything, but I remember thinking that I wish I had a sign that would show me the right path. Whether staying with him or leaving him would be a better choice. Well, not that what happened was a good thing, but it was sort of a blessing in it's own. It's a true test of faith, and test of my own strength. A weak individual would choose to go back. Scared of the future, and ignorant to the bliss and happiness that she deserves in a relationship. Strong, brave, and courageous me decided to leave his ass and go for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yea, you can say it. GO ME!
I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I guess I know in my heart that I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore a long time ago. I was afraid of being alone and letting go. It's easier for me to not be at fault for something, I don't feel as guilty. But that's kind of stupid. I should stand by my decisions knowing that I made them, and take the consequences head on. I have to do what's best for me, and if someone falls into my path that is poisonous to my happiness, then I'm sorry, but you'll have to go dear.
For everyone who's scared, or getting beaten, or verbally abused, or getting anything less than they deserve....you have the choice to end it. No matter where you go, someone is out there to help you. You may have to hit bottom, but once you hit the bottom, there's only going up from there. I feel so liberated and free. I just wish that every poor soul that is unhappy can be saved. And may God take pity on the sinners. For they will have to deal with his wrath, and live with their unjust.
Who was that? But being drunk and angry doesn't give passes for evil. It transforms you into a monster version of yourself, not someone different. It's scary to think how anger and hate can drive us to do something unspeakable. That those emotions can be so overwhelming to our mind that we just retaliate with violence and hurtful words. It's disgusting.
In the past I've gotten to points of anger where I just can't control it. I don't know what to do with it. I yell, but that just doesn't seem to get enough of it out of me. Looking back though, I shouldn't have focused on who I was angry at, but more of the source of my anger and was that person or situation really worth feeling like this? I was so blind.
I have been blessed with this beautiful life. I am lucky in so many ways, and I have been taking that for granted with a poisoned relationship for so long. I am really a happy person. I have no idea why I let myself be anything but that. I shouldn't have to consistenly try to please someone else while I take nothing in return. I can long and hope for the little things back, but if someone wanted to do them, they would've after the first time you said something. 5 years down the road and you're still wanting the same things...open your eyes sweetheart, shit isn't gonna change.
I don't hate him for what he did to me. I don't know why. I'm kind of relieved that I don't. That night after I got home after the arguement, God must have been listening. I don't remember asking him for anything, but I remember thinking that I wish I had a sign that would show me the right path. Whether staying with him or leaving him would be a better choice. Well, not that what happened was a good thing, but it was sort of a blessing in it's own. It's a true test of faith, and test of my own strength. A weak individual would choose to go back. Scared of the future, and ignorant to the bliss and happiness that she deserves in a relationship. Strong, brave, and courageous me decided to leave his ass and go for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yea, you can say it. GO ME!
I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I guess I know in my heart that I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore a long time ago. I was afraid of being alone and letting go. It's easier for me to not be at fault for something, I don't feel as guilty. But that's kind of stupid. I should stand by my decisions knowing that I made them, and take the consequences head on. I have to do what's best for me, and if someone falls into my path that is poisonous to my happiness, then I'm sorry, but you'll have to go dear.
For everyone who's scared, or getting beaten, or verbally abused, or getting anything less than they deserve....you have the choice to end it. No matter where you go, someone is out there to help you. You may have to hit bottom, but once you hit the bottom, there's only going up from there. I feel so liberated and free. I just wish that every poor soul that is unhappy can be saved. And may God take pity on the sinners. For they will have to deal with his wrath, and live with their unjust.
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