miss lonely...

soo my babe started his new job in lewiston. it's a really great thing, he is so excited to be back there...but the bummer of it all is that i am still here. in cowtown usa. i love the time i have with my parents and just kind of relaxing...but let me tell you...i miss him so damn much. it's only going to be night number 2, but i just have that empty void that isn't filled. no matter how many oreos i dunk or episodes of degrassi i watch :(

eventually i'll be going over there...but mama needs a house for her and baby and parkers. it's the waiting process that kills. i love coming home to his smile and hearing his voice say HEY BABE! when i walk in the door. i don't have a reason to rush home from work now, or just a severe motivation to go to our apartment. i don't want to sleep alone. thank goodness for parker. he's such a good cuddle bug.

what's funny is that before i met andrew, i had terrible terrible nightmares for what was an on-going month and a half. whenever i fall asleep next to him though, i don't dream. i rarely will have a dream, but it's never a bad one. the first night i spent away from him...nightmare.

i just remember how andrew was like my saving grace. he showed me a happiness within myself that i knew deep down existed...but i could never bring out. it was like the real me, and this sweet boy made me see it. do you know how great it feels to be able to say wow. this entire month i haven't stopped smiling. it feels pretty great. drew gave me that feeling. he still gives me that feeling. there's something about him that is so different than anything i've known before...he's just so perfect for me.

anyways. i miss him like crazy.

Get OVAH yourself...

I haven't written a post in a long time. I've been busy making a life and getting caught up in day to day things, that just soak up time. It feels like there is never enough time.

Something that I have been struggling with lately are exaggerations. I mean, don't get me wrong...all good stories are exaggerated to some extent (just adds to the suspense and gives dramatical effect haha) but if you are exaggerating to the point where your story has become completely false and it's just some bullshit you made up so you have something to talk about....well you're in the wrong.

I don't like to feel like I can't share news or my ideas with someone (who might I add, is 'supposed' to be an important grown up in Andrew's and my life) but instead feel like I just have to sit pretty and smile and can't say anything because I know it will be blown out of proportion and immensly false.

I mean it NEVER fails. Or THEY never fail to elaborate. One night impraticular, I only said about 3 sentences the entire night. Granted half of the time was spent chewing my dinner, the other half I remained silent because I had quickly learned not to share anything with this person, unless I wanted it turned 180 degrees in the other direction. It's so frustrating. Anyways, out of those 3 sentences that I shared (this I am not exaggerating or under exaggerating on haha), one of them was flipped around and later questioned in a negative matter. It's like WTF GIVES? I chose my words carefully, I said them politely, and I made sure that to most normal people....it would have made perfect sense.

But for those special few who like to make everything about them and take shit out of context....fuck off. I'm not here to play games or to baby you. If you are going to act in a way which puts me or my family in a negative light or anything then the black and white things I have said, then don't expect me to share things with you, or for that matter spend that much time with you.

You are a grown person....so start acting like it.

Here are a couple things that are so black and white it's not even funny.
If you can't understand this, then honestly there is just no hope for you to ever understand.


1. MOST IMPORTANTLY: I LOVE MY BABY. I have NEVER thought about not having my baby.
If you ever say ANYTHING along those lines again, I will take away your visiting privledges.

2. I love Andrew with all of my heart, and would do anything to make him happy.

3. Andrew and I WILL get married someday.
We have chosen NOT to have some rushed marriage because we are having a baby. I would rather tell my child I married your Dad out of pure love for one another, not because we felt it was the "right" thing to do. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

4. I am pregnant. I get sick. I am not like anyone you know. So until you get to fucking know me, don't act like you already do, and quit comparing me.

5. SORRY I'M NOT A SKINNY DARK BIMBO WHO LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY.
 GET OVER IT.

am i there yet?

breakups are tough. especially when you've been with that person for a long time. it stings at first, and you go through all of the steps of being sad and mad and just everything else. i haven't really had many different breakups, but i used to have a lot with one person.

the most important break up i had was this past january. if you read my earlier blogs, you would know why. it was a really big and important decision to make. see not only was i not happy with this person anymore, or in love with that person, but they also did something terrible to me. they abused me. physically and mentally. it took a lot (sort of) for me to fully commit to getting him out of my life.

that happened four months ago. i was traumatized. i was beaten down to a point that i did not know my own self worth. is it really terrible that now that i have a new wonderful boyfriend, that from time to time i am reminded of my six year past with that person? i'm one of those awful people that shares every connection and how i know this person story. sometimes i just can't help it. i've been trying to change that though.

i should be more aware of other people's feelings by what i stories i tell them. i mean, what new boyfriend wants to hear that they made a face that looked like the one my ex boyfriend made when he was abusing me. i mean...i am a little traumatized by it, but i don't need to say it out loud. i guess...i'm not really sure. i don't mean in any way, shape, or form to intentially hurt anyone when i say things like that. it's just i can't help it. it happened to me. it is part of my past, and i'm trying really hard to keep it out of my future.

don't by any means think that i sit here pining over my ex. because i don't. i've gotten to a point that i can do most things, which used to remind me of him, and not think about it or at least just have the thought then get over it really quickly and enjoy what i'm doing. it's not something i like, or enjoy, but it's part of the healing process and just how my mind is. i can only change it to an extent.

am i healing fast enough? is all that i do wrong? i mean i don't miss him. i'm so happy where i am. can't others see that? or am i just not doing enough to demonstrate that? i guess there are actions i can change to...well be better. it's an annoying process, but i am really really trying. the biggest thing anyone can do is just be understanding, and if you love me, support me and be patient. Because love is patient, love is kind.

say what you mean.

words are important. you can write them in print or cursive, color them any way you choose, dress them up in fancy ways, or just leave it plain and simple. it's easiest to understand them in black and white, but doesn't always convey the best message. words are free and simple, and sometimes are the most thoughtful thing that you can give.

there are so many words that we long to hear. i love you, im proud of you, will you marry me, it's a girl/boy, some are scary.you're fired, i hate you, i want a divorce, he/she is dead. and some are both. i'm pregnant, we're moving. all of these sounds formed together by our mouths, and registered in our brains as having a significant importance and feeling attached...mean so so much.

now, words can be meaningless too. all of those things we long to hear can come from someone who we don't care about and we can just let it roll off. no big deal.

what happens when someone that you do care about, doesn't say those things you long to hear. is it ok to drop hints? sure....but then is it genuine? you're now stuck in this guessing game of whether the emotion behind the words is real or not.

i guess i don't really know where i'm going with this, other that we depict who's words have importance and who's do not.

my sister wrote me a letter for my birthday shoved inside a giant pencil. it wasn't anything extravagant, but she took the time to write it, and it came from the heart. i don't think things get much better than that :)

oh, the places you will go...

why are decisions so hard?

earlier this year every choice i made seemed to be black and white. so easy to decide on what should be done, with whom and where. but now...it's not.

i guess when struck with tragedy, or a life changing situation, decisions are made easily. our main focus might be a) just fucking survival or b) what will make us happy. that's my new mantra for this year: do what makes you happy.

so now my hard spot is that i have this incredible man that i love, and am completely happy every day with him. we share the same dreams, and just are similar in a lot of different ways. for the first time in years, i feel that the love i am giving is actually being returned. it's such an amazing feeling!

now there's the whole florida deal. i really am in love with the place. it's so beautiful and i've enjoyed it every time i have gone. (minus the mosquito's haha) i was so eager to leave and get everything going after the new year 'resolution' that i got everything all set to go and stuff. but now i'm not sure if i was just eager for a new start or really really wanting to go. i think maybe both.

this new guy i have, well he's so supportive of what i want to do. there are a few things on the west coast that are kind of important things for me to go to, so i don't really want to miss that. i want to spend time with my family before i leave, but will have to wait until after tax season, and just...there's so many things to tackle before i move. i don't want to move away from my newfound love, but a little i know in my heart that i need to do this florida thing. idk what time frame and people keep asking and asking and i just want to scream because i don't know and i hate not having a plan and why can't we just fold the united states in half so washington is so much closer to florida. plz.k.thx.

my take on the matter...

so. yesterday morning i watched the kony 2012 video on youtube. it really moved me. it also brought up a lot of controvery on facebook, some of which i found extremely small minded. i tried to not take it too harshly, being that it's their opinion and they are entitled to it. also, it's their facebook where they can say what they would like, and i don't have to read it. but here are my thoughts on the matter. you don't have to like it but it's mine.

1. i think it's remarkably noble for this man to take it upon himself to create awareness of a terrible tyrant and strive to make a better life for those less fortunate and for those who are unable to help himself. it's selfless. i find it stupid for people to critisize everyone caring all of a sudden because his film brought awareness about this issue going on. i personally wouldn't have known about it unless i had watched the video. i don't get on google and try to discover what bad shit is going on in whichever country. so i offer him a big thank you about opening my eyes to something that i wouldn't have known about. and damn straight i'm going to support him.

2. this bullshit about "oh there's hungry kids everywhere and why don't we worry about the one in america first or other countries" well you know what? there are hungry kids everywhere. this man didn't choose africa just for shits and giggles. he went there. he saw it. he felt for them. he chose to make a difference. if he hadn't done something about it, do you think we would even be thinking about it right now? or would it just get swept under the rug, and eventually turn into a genocide? i mean look at what a beautiful thing he is doing. out of the kindness and concern from his heart, he's trying to make a difference. there is such a bigger picture to look at than who HE is choosing to help. this is one man. one man's choice. one man's efforts. there are several other organizations to help children in america or other countries....why don't you promote one of those if you have such a problem with him trying to help the one he is choosing. everyone has free will to support who they want. why don't you start doing something to help those children in america that are hungry, instead of just complain about what someone is not doing.

3. sitting back and doing nothing is not an option. saying that God will take care of it is a cop out. i believe in God and love him with all of my heart. i have full faith in his capabilities, but i do not believe in sitting back and doing nothing while evil is happening. what happened to being kind and loving thy neighbor, and caring for those less fortunate than you? hebrews 13:16: do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. philippians 2:4: let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. john 3:17: but if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? i could go on and on. but seriously....take some responsibility for yourself.

4. this thing. this awareness. this movement. it could change a lot of things. if one man can make a video and get the whole world to care, imagine how that can work for voting, and changing the way we vote and how our government works to where it is really about the people and not how people in congress just get to run things. if instead of two voting parties we actually had the interest of our people and of ourselves. it just means a lot of different things and i think to close your mind and critique what this man is doing, you're extremely selfish and stupid. i don't like to call people stupid, but come on now.

butterflies..

so there's this boy...haha that's how any great story starts isn't it? this one's kind of different though. what i really mean, is that he is nice. a compelte gentleman. he's sweet. he makes me laugh. likes to talk to me. accepts me as i am. understands my weirdness. and constantly puts a smile on my face. how great does that sound? i don't think i have felt this happy in....well jeeze at least a year. and even then, i didn't feel as true to myself as this happy feeling that i have now.

he does all of the things that i have wanted out of a relationship for years. good morning texts, goodnight texts, actually WANTS (i can't stress that enough) and likes! to hang out and talk with me. i don't feel pressured to be someone i am not. not to please this person in any way. like just being me is completely enough.

we kind of agreed that we were on the same page. that we both didn't really want a relationship. just wanted someone to hang out with. nothing more than that. i thought that's what i wanted. i know i was making the mature decision...but after i said it, i think i was a little sad. i kind of wanted him to want to have a relationship with me. i'm not really sure if things are changing now, or if it's still in the we just hang out kind of mode. but it's been mutually established that we both like each other, and hanging out and talking to each other is greatly enjoyed. i like that. i like that i can be honest, no bullshit.

i was telling him tonight that one of my biggest insecurities is that whomever i try to date in the future will think that i come with all this baggage that i won't be worthwhile to pursue. i mean...i do have a past. not all of it's my fault necessarily, but how i handle it is my responsibility. i've chosen to be strong and move on. grow from it. not let it cloud my judgement or ruin me. i think i've done a pretty good job. he made a good point in saying that i shouldn't be worried about it. that person should accept it or i should just be like whatever then. i agree. i know that's the right answer. i still don't like slightly feeling like a train wreck though.

anyways, he's great. i have so much fun with him. he wants to try all these fun things that i've really always wanted someone to do them with. like making dinner together. how cute is that right? i've never really felt like the 'girl' in the relationship. sorta with the douche bag last year, but still. he had his own issues. but i've always played mom and babysitter and have worn the big girl pants. it's a new thing for me to let someone else be in control and just take care of me. this year i'm really trying to work on that. it's kind of nice to be treated like a princess for once :)

all i know is that for the past like 3 weeks i haven't stopped smiling, my heart is happy, and all the fingers are pointing to one person ;)

take a leap.

regardless of whether we want it to or not, let's face it, shit changes. it's inevitable. sometimes we change for good, sometimes bad. for me, i kind of feel like i had changed in a bad way, but realized that and changed in a good way, and then kinda found out who i am, and how i want to portray myself. it was a long road to get to this point. lately, i feel like my life is changing so much, or at least i'm making decisions that will make it change a lot. i'm excited though. i think i'm headed in a good happy direction, something that is long overdue.

sometimes changes we make can be overwhelming and scary, but if you know the outcome will be good, or if it's something you really want...just go for it. i'm kind of holding myself accountable to just going for the things that i want. not really holding anything back. i mean, it's better than not trying at all right? and if it doesn't work out, then fuck it. it wasn't meant to be. pick something new.

on another note...tonight is applebee's night for work. hopefully everyone gets to go. it's actually really fun being around the girls outside of work. we have a really great group of girls working right now. it's hard to find people that you enjoy to be around. i've made some really great friends from working there. i'm kind of one of those weird people that are long term. i stay in places for a long time, keep the same job, same relationship. but...things change.

for wanda...

so since you suck at sharing your feelings n shit, here's mine. typed nice and pretty for you to read. apart from yesterday in my drunken stupor, i don't think i've really ever had the balls to just tell you. so look at me, all grown up and finally saying something.

/sigh. here goes something.

9th grade: met you. you definately got to play the hot upperclassmen role (very well may i add), and i was just little shy me. msn was like, the late match.com. it made it soooo much easier to talk to people that you liked! i don't think we would have ever gotten to know each other without it. well maybe, but it would've taken foreverrrrr. low and behold you weren't just a pretty face, but you were incredibly smart, witty, and just crazy sexy. not gonna lie, you are to blame for me being super anal about their, they're and there lol i hated being corrected by you, only because i didn't want to seem dumb. tolo was like dream date city for me. took a lot of guts to ask you, but i was really happy you said yes. i wish i would have been braver and told you that i liked you or something then, but things are meant to happen for a reason.

10th grade: so at like the first dance of the year, or back to school dance whatever, i got asked to be someone's girlfriend. i really liked this person, but even when i said yes, you were in my head. it's kind of sad, really. i went to the bathroom and shed a tear because i was so hoping that something would happen with you. i just got really tired of waiting.

11th grade: fucking worst year of my life. you were so understanding when i called and talked to you. it was kind of nice to hear you say that that person sucked. silly as it may be, but it was.

12th grade: still with the same guy. see you occasionally. ok, like hardly ever. i usually try to tell you happy birthday, and the occasional holiday shit.

college year 1: still with the same guy. i'm not like super happy, and you're not in like super favor, but i'm too weak to know better, and you're not brave enough to tell me i deserve more. i kinda wish you would have. maybe i would've listened.

college year 2: i was pretty superfuckingstoked when you asked me if i wanted to go to lunch when you were in tri for your knee stuff. bad circumstances, but regardless i was pumped. it was nice seeing you. you were still attractive to me. i missed talking to you....i've always liked talking to you. pretty sure it was that same summer, but maybe not. got to finally hang out with you in like a normal setting. i was more outgoing than when you first met me. and skinnier. i never really knew what you liked except mexican girls and weirdo indie college girls you would tell me about. i guess i've always thought that i wasn't good enough for you. anyways, got shwasted. (i swear, no more fireball...it kills me). kinda let it show through that i liked you still. i kind of have little patterns. i don't know if you've noticed. whenever i would "break up" with that guy, i'd always go back. just at least to say hi, or see how you're doing. he knew how much i liked you, so it would always turn into a huge fight if i texted you or something...hence the facebook deletion. the text you sent me the next day kinda crushed me a little. i guess i should've known...and i did. i don't want to be that girl. not with you, and not to ruin things that you have with someone. i care about you as a person more than just some crush i've had.

college year 3 aka now: i'm finally out. no more dude. no more bullshit. it took a fucking beating to make me leave, but in my mind it's the best reason to move on. i think i've finally realized that having someone really controlling and not as loving as what i want/need...is not ok. i hope you're proud. i'm not perfect. i don't know what you want, and i'm kinda broken. i'm healing, and i think i'm a lot stronger of a person than i have ever been. i hope you can see that. i think that with any relationship loving yourself is the first step. i haven't been doing that. i gave a lot and didn't save much for me. it's fucking hard to tell you how i feel. i have no idea why. i really tried, but it's so much easier for me to just write it. especially since you make it soooo much harder by not saying like anything. i wish you would just like say whatever it is that you think/feel towards me, and just let me know. doesn't really have to go anywhere, but just knowing would satisfy like 7 years worth of wondering. that's a long ass time. no matter what, i'll always be a friend for you. you've listened to my bullshit plenty of times, and i'd gladly do the same for you in a heartbeat. no matter where you go in life, i only wish the best for you. you deserve it.

sitting, waiting, wishing

why is it so hard to share feelings? is it because we don't want to vulnerable in fear of getting rejected? or maybe it's because we don't want to hurt the other persons feelings... whatever the case may be, talking about feelings, good or bad, sucks.

this year i'm taking one of the greatest skills that i have learned from work, and applying it to my personal life. friends, strangers, family, etc. it's called open and honest communication. i am so tired of holding shit in that i just am not going to do it anymore. i mean seriously, like what good does it do me if i never tell someone that i like them? it doesn't hurt if you don't expect anything out of it, or take it too hard. there is so much more to gain by using your voice, than by staying quiet.

so here's my shit:

1. i don't like to be snapped at. i don't appreciate rude teasing, just so you can feel more superior or deal with your frustrations. I WILL call you on it, and ask you to stop, because it hurts my feelings. it's uncalled for, and people are just happier when it's not done.

2. i am really going to try to be level headed about things. no more excessive caring or agonizing over a situation. just let it go. for so long i've cared too much, and received so little in return. don't get me wrong, i have a huge heart, it's just gonna be harder to break now.

3. i'm closing this big bad ugly ass door on all the things that have made me unhappy. so hello, new year, new me, and cheers to being happy!

4. i'm gonna do things how i want to do them, when (well in my own time frame), and whatever else that ME ME ME wants to do. i'm not going to strive to please others. just a certain few that really matter to me, but that's just because i love them and want to make them proud :)

keep it real yo.

don't say you did, cause you didn't

don't call me. you already ruined everything.
don't look at me. what you did was wrong.
don't talk to me. you've already said enough.
don't ignore me. you're the one who fucked up.
don't say you've changed. you didn't change for me.



do ask about me. i'm doing fucking great.

do think about me. you'll never find another girl like me.

do miss me. i'm the best you'll ever have.

do feel bad. what you did was wrong.

do listen. i might need to yell at you.

black eyes, blue tears..

He beat me. He hit and hit and yelled and yelled. Every name that he thought would cut into me he said numerous times. I cried. I cried so much. I cried so hard I didn't sob. I screamed so much that I lost my voice. I didn't know my body could hurt like that. I don't remember being scared, not really anyways...all I could think about doing was getting to my apartment and just escaping. Who was this monster next to me? Hitting me, cussing me out, yelling at me? I keep telling myself that I don't know this person.

Who was that? But being drunk and angry doesn't give passes for evil. It transforms you into a monster version of yourself, not someone different. It's scary to think how anger and hate can drive us to do something unspeakable. That those emotions can be so overwhelming to our mind that we just retaliate with violence and hurtful words. It's disgusting.

In the past I've gotten to points of anger where I just can't control it. I don't know what to do with it. I yell, but that just doesn't seem to get enough of it out of me. Looking back though, I shouldn't have focused on who I was angry at, but more of the source of my anger and was that person or situation really worth feeling like this? I was so blind.

I have been blessed with this beautiful life. I am lucky in so many ways, and I have been taking that for granted with a poisoned relationship for so long. I am really a happy person. I have no idea why I let myself be anything but that. I shouldn't have to consistenly try to please someone else while I take nothing in return. I can long and hope for the little things back, but if someone wanted to do them, they would've after the first time you said something. 5 years down the road and you're still wanting the same things...open your eyes sweetheart, shit isn't gonna change.

I don't hate him for what he did to me. I don't know why. I'm kind of relieved that I don't. That night after I got home after the arguement, God must have been listening. I don't remember asking him for anything, but I remember thinking that I wish I had a sign that would show me the right path. Whether staying with him or leaving him would be a better choice. Well, not that what happened was a good thing, but it was sort of a blessing in it's own. It's a true test of faith, and test of my own strength. A weak individual would choose to go back. Scared of the future, and ignorant to the bliss and happiness that she deserves in a relationship. Strong, brave, and courageous me decided to leave his ass and go for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yea, you can say it. GO ME!

I don't regret the time I spent with him, but I guess I know in my heart that I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore a long time ago. I was afraid of being alone and letting go. It's easier for me to not be at fault for something, I don't feel as guilty. But that's kind of stupid. I should stand by my decisions knowing that I made them, and take the consequences head on. I have to do what's best for me, and if someone falls into my path that is poisonous to my happiness, then I'm sorry, but you'll have to go dear.

For everyone who's scared, or getting beaten, or verbally abused, or getting anything less than they deserve....you have the choice to end it. No matter where you go, someone is out there to help you. You may have to hit bottom, but once you hit the bottom, there's only going up from there. I feel so liberated and free. I just wish that every poor soul that is unhappy can be saved. And may God take pity on the sinners. For they will have to deal with his wrath, and live with their unjust.